Yikes! I just saw the schedule again. I had it in my head my piece was due on the 15th. But this is good. Here's the Sludge beginning again. Sorry, I can't leave it alone. It's what will sell the book and I've made a lot of changes. I'm going to a week long writers' conference in June. I'm supposed to submit to the group and Dave Farland, the writer of Rune Lords and bunch of other stuff, by April 17th. Any feedback before then so I can make changes before I submit would be helpful. I'll email the first 23 pages tonight. All comments are appreciated. What stands out as good or needing change or elimination?
Thanks
Writing that kicks your ass
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Alan,
ReplyDeleteSorry I didn’t get this to you before the 17th! It’s been one of those months. Thanks for sharing this revised opening to Sludge. I know I’ve said it before, but I will say it again—this is a great character with a strong voice. And the story is shaping up nicely. I think the pacing is great. I love the humor. It’s just a really fun (older) middle-grade or (younger) YA story.
I dig the little intro bit (“This isn’t fantasy…”). It sets the tone perfectly. There’s a sense of foreboding, but there’s also humor (“because that would be bad”). I also dig the subtle shift (from previous drafts) towards Sludge narrating his story to an ACTUAL (even specific?) person. Maybe I’m misreading it, but it seems like that’s what’s going on—almost like he’s telling this whole story as a warning (maybe to a new prisoner/player?).
I feel like you’re doing a good job of getting inside the head of a boy this age. too—especially when it comes to girls. He’s still a little disturbed and confused by them, but he’s also interested (even—or especially—in Lora, who is his enemy/opponent on the field/court).
I can’t stress enough how great the humor is. I love the bacon stuff and all of his smart-alecky remarks to (and nicknames for) the buff handlers, doctors, etc.
I think the Lora/Dora and Dr. Bradshaw/Mr. Rogers stuff is working pretty well. The only thing I got a little hung up on is the way they’re introduced.
First, why does Sludge remember these two shows but little to nothing else from his past? There certainly might be explanation coming in the text (in fact, I have a theory about this, and am excited to read where it’s going)—just know I have expectations about these characters and their shows playing a fairly significant role in the proceedings!
Second, you mention Learning with Lora (I love that title, by the way) just half a page before you compare her to his fistball opponent. For some reason, that didn’t sit right. I wonder if introducing the show in an earlier chapter (then making the comparison in this chapter) might be less jarring? Or perhaps just waiting to mention the show at all until Sludge makes the comparison (instead of half a page earlier)? Something to consider.
Finally, I’m intrigued by the different colors of sludges and their different properties (and the different ways in which they affect people)! I can’t wait to read more about that! I can’t wait to read more of this, in general!
Write on!
Riley
Alan,
ReplyDeleteVery sorry I didn't get this in time for your submission to Farland. My excuses are not worthy of your writing, so, no excuses other than I have had brain surgery, two legs amputated and a bionic arm reattached on my left side. Only this combination would be worthy of your exquisite words and story. I can't wait to see what the conference produces. I am in sync with Riley's comments for detail suggestions. I can't add to that other than even Harlan Coben couldn't do better with an opening paragraph. This story is right in the pocket for your audience that I imagine is a rowdy group of middle schoolers. As a North Dakotan sensitive to all things related to the Fighting Sioux and other tribes, you can do without the Shoshone reference on page 5. All other comments range from wow to wish I'd written that. The story has a chill running across my arms as I think of the recent "Camp Memories" that has been running on PBS. Your plot, intended or not, makes me think about Mengele and Auschwitz. Not that I understand what he did, they did. Your story is a warning that it might happen again if we forget about human history. Is that intentional? I applaud your skill and tenacity. I look forward to hearing about your June meetings and publication of Sludge. Fabulous work.