Hi fellas,
Sorry this is so late. It's a new opening to Dark is
the Night. Quite a few similarities to its previous incarnation,
except I've bumped it up in the timeline, so the first chapter is
actually the last scene before the climax (chronologically). I'm
drafting a revision of this that starts en medias res but then does less
chronological skipping around. Let me know what you think! And be
tough! I mean business with this revision.
Ri
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, March 10, 2013
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P.S. Since this is so late, please give priority to Alan's submission (if he sends one in this week), as I'm submitting my piece so late that it's actually overlapping with his turn! Sorry again!
ReplyDeleteRiley,
ReplyDeleteThis is great work. The way you help us experience how Simon feels through his driving is expertly done. That alone tells us he’s way upset, but then you layer it on with his dialogue and narration. You succeeded in making that short six mile drive an effectively emotional ride. Then you make the long walk back nice and quick. Of course, then you hit us with an unexpected twist at the end in the form of an unexpected person who is unknown to the reader. At this point no reader is going to say, “Oh my, it is late. I think I’ll put this book down and go to bed.” And yet you leave us, you’re writing chums, with no next chapter. I want to know who this person is! Tell me damn you! Tell me! Of course then I’ll have lots of other questions, so don’t tell me just give me more to read.
I have little advice to give. Just coming off a middle-grade romp, this initially seemed like a lot of description. However, after adjusting my reader’s lens to upper YA I realized this clearly is not the case. You have created a near perfect chapter for your audience and for this type of story. Aside from some typos I can’t think of anything I’d change. People read to feel something and you succeeded in making this reader feel nervous, anxious, kind of creeped out and very curious.
Keep going forward.
Alan
Thanks so much for the feedback, Alan!
ReplyDeleteRiley
Riley,
ReplyDeleteI love opening lines. Even though it is the second sentence, It's not tea, rivals Harlan Coben. I start thinking about what the h is going on?
With the title & dj & front flap intro, the reader knows this is an other worldly story, but you don't give in to the writer's trap of giving away too much too early. I know, I have had 5th graders yell at me for giving away too much. "Let me figure it out" is often said passionately.
What I love the most is the physical detail you fill the pages with. We all want to be transported when we read, whether on a kindle on a laptop or holding a hard copy. Funny how I tend to print out the stories the group sends.
The other challenge you have met head-on is Thomas's voice and Simon's voice. They are clearly from different ages. Sounds easy, right? This is one of the most difficult crafts to master. Every character must have a unique voice. Thomas and Simon have them.
Your use of music puts us squarely into the 70's. (Arthur Phillips uses an I pod and tunes as his plot in 2009's "The Song is You.") It is very effective in creating mood and time.
By the end of page 10, I am hooked and even though I know the plot line from previous postings, I am anxious to see where you take us. Maybe the characters haven't changed, but I am sure you have and that means everything to your characters. Thomas, I want to know more about his life, is one of my favorite characters in our Write Fu adventure.
He reminds me of, well, I don't know who that is. Maybe after the next few chapters I will identify why he seems so contemporary.
Great work,
Bill
Riley,
ReplyDeleteLet me begin by quoting Alan: "Tell me damn you!"
I WANT TO KNOW who that was waiting at the car!!! And, as Alan pointed out, that isn't the only thing that's tugging me onward through this story. The anxiousness, the creepiness, the mystery, the sheer gorgeousness of the writing, Simon's need to figure out a solution to whatever huge problem he's facing--all that is propelling me onward. If you read these 10 pages to an arena full of people and then stopped, said good night, and walked off the stage, they'd rip the cushions off the seats and scream for more!!!
And I love how in this chapter Simon bears Thomas, this strange and seemingly supernatural character, out of Blutburgh and then returns to town on foot--this venturing out and then returning suggests that the town is the center of conflict, and Simon can't leave that conflict. Things will come to a head, they must come to a head.
And I love that Simon hides Thomas in this setting in the woods that is of such great personal meaning to Simon. These woods in winter have a primal feel--they're both dark and exposed now to the snow, and that reflects for me something of the darkness of the soul and its exposure to the coldness of the world. Just awesome. And then there's the image of the boy Simon acting out movie scenes as his father sits at the fireplace of a ruined cabin, poring over case files--what an image to capture the relationship between Simon and his father!!!
The filmmaking/movie motif is threaded beautifully through this chapter--touched on three times, I think, and each time, like the above image of Simon as a boy acting out movie scenes, the detail/passage is doing triple- or quadruple-duty.
What Bill says about the dialogue--ditto.
And I also wanted to say the Pennsylvania winter is gorgeously evoked. The snow is of a particular kind, a little sloppy, and how vividly is Blutburgh evoked! The place names (streets, stores, woods, and even "building two" of the cereal factory) are especially effective at lending the place the weight of history, the feel that this place ahas been lived in.
The story doesn't just have my trust, it has me enthralled. I'm cuddling up with my Snuggie, thinking, "Yeah, don't care if I have to sleep till noon tomorrow--I'm reading this book!"
So on with the story!!!!!!!!!!
Wow! Thanks for the awesome (and quick--despite my tardiness) feedback, fellas. Now back to the page!
ReplyDeleteRi
Yeah it's been eight months, but I'm just jumping right back in ok!
ReplyDeleteRiley you asked us to be tough on our comments but I'm finding it difficult to see much I would change about these first pages. I think you've masterfully painted the mood and setting. But I'm a character guy above all, and (imagining I've never read about these guys before) I'm delighted and intrigued by the two we meet here. With Thomas because of his mystery, the mug of stuff he's clutching and his formality of speech. With Simon because of his dramatic, self-consciousness teenage voice, augmented by the movie filter with which he sees the world. Both authentic and entertaining!
I'm intrigued by the mystery of "the boy" and what happened to him and why Simon might be imagining him lurking in the woods.
So actually there is one thing which I think could improve this great first scene. I didn't really get a strong sense of action, even though a lot happened. I guess what I mean is it seemed to be one of those scenes which is more about other scenes than it is about itself. He's taking Thomas to his secret spot so he can have some time to decide what to do. We get terrific character development, mood and mystery, but there's not much suspense in the scene itself. Thomas, for example, could seem more dangerous. He's vulnerable and dependent on Simon which is good. He's also empathetic and wanting connection with Simon, also good. But the only danger I pick up is when Simon wonders where he went and if he's watching him from the woods and if he should be afraid. But even that feels more like an informational detail and not about the actual suspense in the scene. I think because this is a first scene, punching it up by heightening the sense of danger couldn't hurt!
So there's my two cents - probably worth less than that! Wish I could write like that, Riley. Fantastic and motivating work!
Dave! I've felt like something was missing from the opening. More action and more tension could do the trick (and I think now that I have some ideas).
ReplyDeleteThanks again, everyone! So grateful for the awesome feedback. And welcome back, Dave!
Ri