Bill,
What an opening! As arresting and exciting as any opening I've read in recent memory, and I've been reading many (lots of short stories)!
I particularly like how you dramatize Eric's personal conflict immediately. His response to discovering the body is complex and conflicted--a part of him feels the urge to leave the body there and continue on with his life as if nothing had happened, while another part of him feels a bond with the body of the person he has discovered, and I wonder if it's that tug of compassion that foretells Eric going on a quest/mission/investigation to try finding truth and justice.
Maybe some questions about the role of Eric's compassion might help you imagine and generate: What role does Eric's compassion play in this story? How does it help him in trying to find truth and justice? Is his compassion ever a vulnerability? And I wonder, does he ever encounter more situations in which he has to choose between walking away from from his pursuit of the truth (perhaps for safety or simply so he live a life free of the burdens of his quest) and soldiering on to figure out who killed Mrs. Richardson?
Eric is set up as a truth-seeker. He observes how Sheriff Dudley doesn't really seem to ask too many questions, as if he already knows the facts, and I think this bothers him the way that things that give off whiffs something's-not-quite-rightedness (how's that for a made-up word? POW!) do bother those characters who feel that driving desire for truth and justice. And to make sure that Eric as driven and sharp as possible, make the villain as driven and sharp as you can! It takes a very clever sleuth character to catch a very clever villain!
Also, I like how you've drawn the characters into tight conflict. The victim isn't just someone Eric doesn't know; it's one of his teachers--a teacher he likes. And his mother knew this teacher. And his father knows Sheriff Dudley, who may or may not have been involved in the murder but will certainly be involved in the investigation!
I also like that Eric's vulnerable in terms of his skiing talent. It seems like he can't take the tough hills and others know this (Sheriff Dudley, for example, barbs him about this--an early attack from the villain?).
Since I'm working on a mystery/suspense, too, I thought I'd ask: Have you found any good resources as far as police investigation, etc.? I've been using two from the "Howdunit" series--Forensics and Police Procedure & Investigation--that have been pretty helpful.
In short, Bill, bravo!!! How has the story been going?
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, January 21, 2013
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Bill,
ReplyDeleteThis is—forgive me—CHILLING! Seriously, I love it! This is fantastic. What an opening paragraph. What an image—the red against the white, the purity of the white snow tainted by death, by murder.
I love the central characters. I love that it’s set in a tight-knit community (where everyone knows everyone else, and everyone is—presumably—a suspect). The story’s fast, dark, tense, and well-narrated. For the most part, you’re letting character’s dialogue and actions communicate what needs to be communicated, without relying too much on exposition. There’s one or two spots (noted on the annotated manuscript I’ll send you shortly) where things could be tightened up a bit, but other than that, my only advice is to keep going! I can’t wait to read more.
One other thought—and I don’t want you to spend too much (if any) time on this, but perhaps take just 15 minutes to free-write: What if Eric DOES (at least initially) leave the body where he finds it (without telling the police)? I ask, not because I think that’s what should happen with this story (I like the way it’s going as it is!), but because it presents an interesting possibility for conflict, AND because I want you to think about it. Think how this decision defines Eric (who he is and who he’ll become during the course of the story). Give it a try, see what happens, find out what Eric says to Don, to his parents, to the police (when they inevitably come a-callin’), etc.
But most of all, write, write, write. This is gripping stuff, Bill! Really, really great!
Ri
And I agree with Andy: I love how you've depicted Eric's vulnerability (both in his skiing abilities and his fear/indecisiveness in what to do when he finds the body), which captures both the insecurity inherent in being a young teen and the somewhat contradictory nature of Eric's character (he's a good and hardworking skier, but he has trouble on hills/isn't quite as good as Don; he wants to answer the plea of this dead body calling out to him, and he wishes the cops would ask the right questions to get to the bottom of the mystery, but he freaks when he initially encounters the body and wants to bolt before he gets involved).
ReplyDeleteBill,
ReplyDeleteI echo what Ri and Andy said about your superb imagery. There’s the bloody scarf, the staring eyes, the frozen tears, and the parted but frozen lips that seem to be speaking. That’s all good stuff. I also always like a story that gets right into the action.
As the others mentioned, Scott is an interesting character. He’s a reluctant hero. You could almost call his desire to bury the body and pretend he never found it as cowardly. He is not perfect, he certainly has some weaknesses but he quickly begins redeeming himself. What makes him so interesting to me is that while he initially wants to hide the body and not get involved, he is also not satisfied with the way the Sheriff is handling things. You seem to be setting it up so that Scott will be doing his own investigation, and this after he wanted to walk away from the whole thing. It makes me kind of proud of him for manning up and I like him more for it.
I like what you’ve done with this story. I have to admit that I read this right when you first emailed it, but was caught off guard because it doesn’t have one thing that initially grabbed me in your pitch. It was that glove. It was such a hook for me. These guys are coming down the mountain and they see a glove. They pick it up and there is a hand under it. That’s good stuff too. I live in ski country and I see gloves all the time. I’ve picked a few up and have never even considered there might be hand under it. If there ever were I totally freak out. However, after setting this new version aside and coming back to it without that glove expectation I find I also like this version.
You’ve done a good job setting it up so we know the Sheriff can’t be relied upon to solve this mystery. It’s going to be up to Scott. It’s great how you made Scott’s friend the son of the Sheriff. It makes things so much more personal, both because Scott knows the Sheriff and because his best buddy lives in the same house with this guy who might be dirty. Also good is the personal connection between Scott’s father and the Sheriff and the connection between Scott’s mom and the victim. Then of course is Scott’s own teacher-student relationship with the victim. You haven’t mentioned what kind of community the story is set in, but because there are so many interrelationships between characters it makes me think this must be a pretty small community.
Well done.
Alan
Alan, Andy, Riley,
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how much your comments mean to me.
Mary K. was in the hospital twice in Nov & Dec with C-diff. C-diff is an intestinal disease caused by antibiotics wiping out the intended targets but also the good bacteria in the digestive system. The result is a rapid loss of weight, strength, balance and all food tastes horrible. She has recovered but is shopping for clothes that fit. I do not recommend this process for dieting.
Your insights, comments, leads, are taking me back to Eric & Don very soon.
This is the best writing group ever.
Now we need to start texting Andy in honor of Clutch.
Bill,