I've emailed everyone the next section of Clutch. I hope to send Clutch out after one more rewriting, so please be tough!!!
Writing that kicks your ass
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
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Andy,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on finishing Clutch. There’s not much to be tough on here.
At the end of chapter five I wondered if Clutch was going to come clean with Trina about the whole hazing thing. I hoped he would. He doesn’t and that keeps the suspense up. Good job making me care.
Clutch wants a scholarship from the right kind of school and he wants to escape from the town. He is willing to do almost anything to get it; even compromise what’s right. Trina is offered exactly what he is willing to compromise for and yet she turns it down for something she values more.
As Clutch recognizes and admires her good example I see her as begining to become a sort of mentor without meaning to. Clutch rejects Dillon’s text, which is a rejection of Dillon and all the foulness that Dillon represents. You drive that home as Clutch unfriends Dillon and the others who hazed Eddie.
Man Andy, you keep the tension up with Trina. Clutch makes a decision that it’s over with Trina before it really begins then she texts him that Eddie is gone. He sets up running with her again. The door we keep thinking is closed keeps reopening.
After that text I wondered if Clutch could have shown a little more concern over Eddie’s disappearance since Eddie was so messed up and then took off without saying anything to his sister.
I love this sentence, “He draws himself up to his full height and aims his eyes at me.”
I liked seeing Clutch finally apologizing to Eddie. It’s indicative of the teen male psyche that he apologizes to Eddie only after Eddie beats the crap out of him. Clutch is sorry for what he did, or didn’t do, he’s been punished and he’s apologized. That sorrow and the apology had to happen but so did the punishment. That punishment could have come through rejection from Trina or continued feelings of guilt to the point of depression. It was somehow satisfying that the punishment came via a thrashing from Eddie himself. Even though Eddie doesn’t seem ready to forgive, the groundwork has been laid for later reconciliation.
You keep up the romantic suspense as Clutch shuns Trina after pre-calc. But that shunning is now for Trina’s sake instead of for his own selfish self.
Clutch admires Trina and is amazed by her for being willing to continue to pursue something with him even though she believes he is hiding their growing relationship. I think I remember that this is precisely what happened to one of Trina’s friends with another guy on the basketball team. In the end the guy dumped her and it messed her up. If I remember that correctly, I wonder if a nod could be made to it.
Clutch says Trina is too good for him and she is, but Clutch is rising to her level. He isn’t worthy of her, but I hope he will be. I’m rooting him.
Nice work as always,
Alan
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI am so far behind in my reading/writing. Sorry I'm just getting to this now.
As always, excellent work! I'll send an annotated manuscript to you shortly, but there are a few big things I want to cheer on here.
1. I second what Alan said about suspense. You are a master. I'm envious, and I can learn a few things from you about how to balance and layer tension. Not only does Clutch feel bad about his role in the hazing, but he's worried. And so are we. There's the possibility his dad or the principal will find out and he'll get in trouble. There's a possibility his recruiters will find out and he'll miss out on a scholarship. There's a possibility of bodily harm (either from Eddie or from the Cakes) if he tells the wrong people or continues to pursue Trina. There's the possibility of losing his social status for giving the cold shoulder to his teammates OR for spending time with Trina. And worst of all, there's a possibility (a very good possibility) that Trina will find out what he did. Any or all of these things could come true, and we're hooked, desperately wanting to find out what happens, and desperately wanting to find out how Clutch handles it.
2. Clutch and Trina's banter (especially in the last two pages) is superb. Really, really excellent.
3. You do an excellent job of rooting the story in a very real high school experience, and linking everyday academic situations (reading a test-prep piece about a snake's auto-responses) to everyday social happenings (brushing somebody off then sending non-committal but flirty texts).
Going forward, I'd just say trust your "players," and trust their words. There are times when some characters say too much. Other times, not enough. I have a tough time fleshing out who should say what (and when and how) in Dark, too. Some characters might be shy and quiet when they're nervous. Others might get verbal diarrhea. Bringing out these differences will tell us more about each character and ramp up the tension even further (if that's even possible in this story!).
Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read more!
Ri
A big THANK YOU to you guys!!! Your responses will guide me through the rewriting (can't wait to get to it!)!!!
ReplyDeleteAndy,
ReplyDeleteThere is not much to add about this story or your writing. What is your next step? Gary Schmidt says go directly to the publisher. With the contacts the Renegades have and other known sources, I agree. Riley, Alan, Dave & any other readers could send the emails of children's editors to our site. Just sent T.K. & Associates to Jill Davis, jill.davis@harpercollins.com and got an immediate nice rejection. Also sent The Boy, The Giant and the Crow, and am waiting.
Back to you. I like the present tense, and Brian's sense of guilt that jumps out at us like on page 64's 1st paragraph. Your images, like a colt or a baby giraffe, on page 65 leap off the page. I sense a James Joyce ability to bring the reader into what could be mundane details but instead draw the reader deep into the scene. I check the thermostat. Fifty-one. Page 65. Also page 67 when Brian vacillates, I couldn't not go to her....
Page 71 when Brian switches to third person is easy to miss, but it is a brilliant voyage into his head. Clutch only survives.... More Joyce. I think I will stop using quotation marks.
Page 78 Clutch imagines a parallel universe, a chance to maybe redeem himself in the future. Such internal dialog is handled very well and keeps the reader thinking of his own weird internal gyrations.
Page 80 brings Clutch's native intelligence forward, and his obsession with wired snakes. He shows us how humans can learn to get better by watching animals and nature. Good for kids to know. Are you teaching kids how to learn on purpose or is it just good writing?
And I like how the story is today. Texting, ringing cell phones.
Now all you have to do is fix some typos like on page 63, a crack in Eddie's?? lip. Train? rubs his? face...
Sorry this took so long to get posted. I have been beset by work, new consulting opportunities, and visitors.
Keep in mind that we should all be actively seeking publishers and sharing that process.
Are we all Renegades? Did you all see Rebecca Grabil's photos? http://www.grabillcreative.com/share/HamlineMFAC
Bill
Thank you, Bill!
ReplyDeleteI wonder--maybe would you guys like to Google chat or Skype about how writing (including the submitting process) is going? Google chat seems to work pretty well with multiple "chatters."