Stayed up late some nights to get this out. Where do we get time to write? Sorry it's a bit late. Also sorry it's 23 pages. Feel free to stop at 20. It starts off where it ended last time with Glade being rescued by a man who he calls Dad. I'll email the piece.
You are weird. That doesn't mean we're not weird. The Write Fu group is totally weird. You just are the best weird. Glade's story teaches us a lot of things. Fear, odd situations, trust, learn before leap or at least look. But most of all it is a wonderful story of yearning. Glade wants one thing and that one thing that drives him is not fistball, although I love this athletic analogy. It is the desire to find his father, no matter what. That is what makes this story universal, the struggle to find that one person who made you what you are. That theme is subtext to everything I write and lurking somewhere in the other Fu'er's stuff.
This is a complicated, funny, emotional mystery and, as one of my 5th grade students once said jumping out of his chair, "I know who the ......is!" and "All I needed were a few clues.”
Alan, you give great clues. Much of the language is superb. Page 23, "But, holy zipping through the trees, it was exhilarating." Giving the grizzly dogs human traits is cool. Pg 26, "I'm a grizzly-dog you little human whelp. I’m going to tear you..........." Just perfect for that kid that jumped out of his seat. Having Glade find Dora, then losing her, is a great plot twist. Please bring her back some way. I absolutely love the dad, maybe dad, character blowing apart on page 32. "Then he blew apart. I expected flesh and bone and blood..." And that small scrap of paper! A herald, a harbinger, ahhh, a clue.
And the line on pg. 33, "I hugged the notebook to my chest like a little girl....." I loved it, but maybe you could broaden the appeal of the book by saying little boy. On Pg 34, "All of my questions about who I was......." is a paragraph that teaches kids about priorities under pressure.
Finally, on page 44-45, Glades negotiation to let the Doc have a bit of blood is brilliant. It tells us how strong Glade is and that the Doc KNOWS something! Great chapter ending.
Something cool I've noticed about "Alan stories": the main character hurtles through the story and the quest MOVES as secondary characters race along with the main character for a while, then drop out, then reappear again. That these secondary characters appear, then drop out, creates the sense that the protagonist truly is on his own, and that heightens the peril and somehow has the cool effect of making the story even more the protagonist's. Here, the perhaps-Glade's-father character helps Glade escape and then, in an explosion of leaves and twigs, turns into a heap of dust, and that's after Dora's injured and they have to leave her to Mathew's people. Yet I'm sure Dora will appear again, though I'm not sure how (Locked up and emaciated? Brainwashed into a villain?), and I suspect the perhaps-father figure might appear again, too. I think there's great significance in this way Glade is on his own, and I wonder how much of the quest he goes it alone and how much of the quest he has help. Does he need help? Does he try to do it all alone and come up short and then seek out help? During what parts of his quest is he alone? Exploring these questions may help you as you create the story's shape and patterning.
I love how you use the grizzly-dogs as a tool for modulating the horror! The grizzly-dogs will rip apart one of their dead fellows when tossed to them and then devour the pieces! And they're sort of like a physical extension of Mr. Mathew's will. They keep coming and coming and coming--they're relentless, just as Mr. Mathews is relentless, and he's a villain with means so it makes sense he'll mobilize all sorts of resources to do his bidding before he'll come out and get done what he wants done. I wonder if Glade will have to draw Mr. Mathews out somehow, or if Glade will have to penetrate Mathews' compound to confront him.
The story has a rapid pace, and the rapid pace combined with the voice (I could praise Glade's voice for pages, Alan!!!) whisked me off through these pages. At times I wouldn't mind if the slower moments played a little longer--Glade's conversation with the guy who might be his father, for example. I think the question to consider is "What kind of story is this?" It seems to me to be a little sci fi with a little fantasy, but the genre that perhaps defines it most right now is "action." To me this story feels like a Jason Bourne movie--and that works. If this is that kind of story, perhaps think of the story's "time frame." A Jason Bourne movie usually happens over the course of a few days (or they feel that way to me--there might be lapses of time between acts or something) and the intensity level stays high for much of the movie, with slower scenes interspersed for advancing the emotional arcs.
So, if I'm reading the story's type well, a guiding question might be "Over how many days does this story take place, and what is the transformation Glade goes through over the course of that time?" Another guiding question: "What is the external thing that Glade wants to achieve in this story, and how long will it take him to do it?" The external thing a detective might want to do is catch the killer, for example. Glade, I think, wants to rescue Dora and perhaps bring down Mathews and destroy his compound. Glade also wants to find his father. And if this is the first in a series, I wonder what the series-long arcs might be and what the novel-length arcs for this book are, if that makes sense.
I have to contend with your claim that this is not a literary piece. Sure, you don’t use a bunch of boring "flowery prose"—but you do offer nicely rendered action sequences (seriously, the visuals you paint are straight out of an action movie!), bright dialogue, and LOTS of pitch-perfect humor.
Really, this story has such a great voice. “Holy zipping through the trees”—love that!. And “I’ll call him Scruffy. It seems more respectful than Puke Breath. I don’t know who the heck I thought I was, but as I sailed over his head, I reached down and scratched him behind the ears.”
I also like how he refers to the guy who might or might not be his dad. Maybe you could push that even more? Make it into a term of endearment, impersonally personal, like Might Be Dad, or MBD, or some such?
Oh, and the “Guys don’t go on rescue missions with their bums peeking out” bit? Classic!
But I also like the territory your story covers. It’s a fascinating blend of magic and science. There’s obviously some speculative fiction stuff going on (with the research facility, mutated/engineered dogs, etc.) But there’s also mystical/magical elements. Who’s this maybe-father guy? Where do these powers come from? Then there’s the notebook pages that spontaneously combust (nice touch, by the way). It’s like a spy-action novel with science fiction and fantasy twists. Or perhaps a speculative fiction actioner that’s fantastically mysterious and thrilling. The way I arrange the description is inconsequential. Bottom line: this is fun!
Mostly, I just want to cheer you on! You toss stuff at our hero and let him fumble along, figuring stuff out. That's great writing. Keep going!
My only comments moving forward—it’s a little weird that the Patersons don’t ask about his parents or where he lives (maybe have them ask and have him offer a quick, dismissive explanation?). Also, look for ways to tighten dialogue. You do a good job of using conversation to explain what’s happening in the story; just remember to keep it quick and witty (without tipping too much towards the expository).
You are weird. That doesn't mean we're not weird. The Write Fu group is totally weird. You just are the best weird. Glade's story teaches us a lot of things. Fear, odd situations, trust, learn before leap or at least look. But most of all it is a wonderful story of yearning. Glade wants one thing and that one thing that drives him is not fistball, although I love this athletic analogy. It is the desire to find his father, no matter what. That is what makes this story universal, the struggle to find that one person who made you what you are. That theme is subtext to everything I write and lurking somewhere in the other Fu'er's stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis is a complicated, funny, emotional mystery and, as one of my 5th grade students once said jumping out of his chair, "I know who the ......is!" and "All I needed were a few clues.”
Alan, you give great clues. Much of the language is superb. Page 23, "But, holy zipping through the trees, it was exhilarating." Giving the grizzly dogs human traits is cool. Pg 26, "I'm a grizzly-dog you little human whelp. I’m going to tear you..........." Just perfect for that kid that jumped out of his seat. Having Glade find Dora, then losing her, is a great plot twist. Please bring her back some way. I absolutely love the dad, maybe dad, character blowing apart on page 32. "Then he blew apart. I expected flesh and bone and blood..."
And that small scrap of paper! A herald, a harbinger, ahhh, a clue.
And the line on pg. 33, "I hugged the notebook to my chest like a little girl....." I loved it, but maybe you could broaden the appeal of the book by saying little boy. On Pg 34, "All of my questions about who I was......." is a paragraph that teaches kids about priorities under pressure.
Finally, on page 44-45, Glades negotiation to let the Doc have a bit of blood is brilliant. It tells us how strong Glade is and that the Doc KNOWS something! Great chapter ending.
Alan, keep this one going. It is wonderful.
Bill
Yes, a marvelous kind of weird!
ReplyDeleteSomething cool I've noticed about "Alan stories": the main character hurtles through the story and the quest MOVES as secondary characters race along with the main character for a while, then drop out, then reappear again. That these secondary characters appear, then drop out, creates the sense that the protagonist truly is on his own, and that heightens the peril and somehow has the cool effect of making the story even more the protagonist's. Here, the perhaps-Glade's-father character helps Glade escape and then, in an explosion of leaves and twigs, turns into a heap of dust, and that's after Dora's injured and they have to leave her to Mathew's people. Yet I'm sure Dora will appear again, though I'm not sure how (Locked up and emaciated? Brainwashed into a villain?), and I suspect the perhaps-father figure might appear again, too. I think there's great significance in this way Glade is on his own, and I wonder how much of the quest he goes it alone and how much of the quest he has help. Does he need help? Does he try to do it all alone and come up short and then seek out help? During what parts of his quest is he alone? Exploring these questions may help you as you create the story's shape and patterning.
I love how you use the grizzly-dogs as a tool for modulating the horror! The grizzly-dogs will rip apart one of their dead fellows when tossed to them and then devour the pieces! And they're sort of like a physical extension of Mr. Mathew's will. They keep coming and coming and coming--they're relentless, just as Mr. Mathews is relentless, and he's a villain with means so it makes sense he'll mobilize all sorts of resources to do his bidding before he'll come out and get done what he wants done. I wonder if Glade will have to draw Mr. Mathews out somehow, or if Glade will have to penetrate Mathews' compound to confront him.
The story has a rapid pace, and the rapid pace combined with the voice (I could praise Glade's voice for pages, Alan!!!) whisked me off through these pages. At times I wouldn't mind if the slower moments played a little longer--Glade's conversation with the guy who might be his father, for example. I think the question to consider is "What kind of story is this?" It seems to me to be a little sci fi with a little fantasy, but the genre that perhaps defines it most right now is "action." To me this story feels like a Jason Bourne movie--and that works. If this is that kind of story, perhaps think of the story's "time frame." A Jason Bourne movie usually happens over the course of a few days (or they feel that way to me--there might be lapses of time between acts or something) and the intensity level stays high for much of the movie, with slower scenes interspersed for advancing the emotional arcs.
So, if I'm reading the story's type well, a guiding question might be "Over how many days does this story take place, and what is the transformation Glade goes through over the course of that time?" Another guiding question: "What is the external thing that Glade wants to achieve in this story, and how long will it take him to do it?" The external thing a detective might want to do is catch the killer, for example. Glade, I think, wants to rescue Dora and perhaps bring down Mathews and destroy his compound. Glade also wants to find his father. And if this is the first in a series, I wonder what the series-long arcs might be and what the novel-length arcs for this book are, if that makes sense.
A ripping good read, Alan!!!
Alan, Alan, Alan-
ReplyDeleteI have to contend with your claim that this is not a literary piece. Sure, you don’t use a bunch of boring "flowery prose"—but you do offer nicely rendered action sequences (seriously, the visuals you paint are straight out of an action movie!), bright dialogue, and LOTS of pitch-perfect humor.
Really, this story has such a great voice. “Holy zipping through the trees”—love that!. And “I’ll call him Scruffy. It seems more respectful than Puke Breath. I don’t know who the heck I thought I was, but as I sailed over his head, I reached down and scratched him behind the ears.”
I also like how he refers to the guy who might or might not be his dad. Maybe you could push that even more? Make it into a term of endearment, impersonally personal, like Might Be Dad, or MBD, or some such?
Oh, and the “Guys don’t go on rescue missions with their bums peeking out” bit? Classic!
But I also like the territory your story covers. It’s a fascinating blend of magic and science. There’s obviously some speculative fiction stuff going on (with the research facility, mutated/engineered dogs, etc.) But there’s also mystical/magical elements. Who’s this maybe-father guy? Where do these powers come from? Then there’s the notebook pages that spontaneously combust (nice touch, by the way). It’s like a spy-action novel with science fiction and fantasy twists. Or perhaps a speculative fiction actioner that’s fantastically mysterious and thrilling. The way I arrange the description is inconsequential. Bottom line: this is fun!
Mostly, I just want to cheer you on! You toss stuff at our hero and let him fumble along, figuring stuff out. That's great writing. Keep going!
My only comments moving forward—it’s a little weird that the Patersons don’t ask about his parents or where he lives (maybe have them ask and have him offer a quick, dismissive explanation?). Also, look for ways to tighten dialogue. You do a good job of using conversation to explain what’s happening in the story; just remember to keep it quick and witty (without tipping too much towards the expository).
Fantastic work, Alan! Thanks for sharing!
Riley