Hello fellows,
I've sent out a section from my new draft of Clutch.
Looking forward to your brilliant feedback!!!
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, August 19, 2012
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Andy. You always amaze me. Love this bit of Clutch. Can’t wait to read the whole thing!Quick question: Have you read Raiders Night by Lipsyte? If not, DO. It’s about high school politics, guilt by association, and the colassal, terrible secret of a prep sports team. Kinda seems right up Clutch’s ally (pun intended).
ReplyDeleteYou describe Minnesota weather to a T. I love Clutch’s suiting up for a Minnesota winter run. Brings back memories. This sequence is beautiful: “The gravel road takes us away from the trailers and along a little cornfield stubbly with chopped stalks, towards the bluff. Ice chunks and gravel pop beneath the tires.” What imagery! It’s like you just described my “neighborhood” growing up. You’ve set us so firmly in this place, made it tangible, made it come alive—like it’s another character interacting with Trina and Clutch. And there’s something about winter that’s just perfect for this, too. January marks a new year. It’s fresh. This feels like a bright, crisp morning. Just as this could be the beginning of a lovely friendship (or more) between Clutch and Trina. But winter is also dark, foreboding, frigid. Winter is death.
And you use that. The tension in these scenes is palpable. This relationship between Clutch and Trina is most certainly doomed, not only because Clutch is a Cake and Trina’s a Dirt, but because of the secret Clutch is harboring about Eddie. The story’s pulse pumps like an athlete’s racing heart. Excellent work.
I wonder if you can ramp it up even more, though (even if that means occasionally backing off a bit). In some places, the tension might be even greater if Clutch says/thinks less. The Cake/Dirt dichotomy is working. We were all in high school—we all experienced some variation of the popular/not popular ridiculousness to know this rings true (you can watch the John Hughes movies I’ve recommended to see even more of this). But some of Clutch’s interactions with Trina could perhaps be ratcheted down a bit. Like when Clutch looks out over the town and says, “Fuck that place.” That’s a great moment and a great line. I wouldn’t change it. But then he goes on and on and drops the F-bomb a bunch more. I’ve got no problem with “fuck,” and that, quite frankly, is how many teens talk—especially to each other. I read it a few times, thinking maybe Clutch was just nervous so he was letting his mouth run, but it just doesn’t feel right. Rehearsed. Expository. Could the moment be strengthened (made even more tense and pivotal) if he dials it back? THEN how might Trina respond? What might she say?
But I feel I’m in good hands. You’ve done a good thing here: given us strong, unique, and interesting characters and plopped them down into a tangible and charged setting. Now you’re just following them, and reporting what happens. I’m guilty of plotting too much and too often for my characters instead of just leading them inhabit their world, toss in some problem, and let them fuddle around trying to solve it. But you sir, are a master.
Thank you, Andy. Write on!
Thank you, Riley--an especially excellent critique of that scene! Throughout this draft, the scenes tend to run a little long, and paring them down with the purpose of modulating the tension (ratcheting it up or ratcheting it down) will help me make these scenes work to greatest effect. (You are, by the way, master of exquisite scenes, so reading your descriptions of how these scenes works and could work gives me a valuable glimpse into your thought/creative processes!).
ReplyDeleteI have read Raiders Night--once back when Gary was my advisor and then again as I was writing the last third of this draft. Very much a novel my novel would be in conversation with.
Gotta watch those Hughes movies. I have watched Sunset Boulevard, Double Indemnity, and Let the Right One In--good recommendations all! They're helping me very much with The Ghoul.
Thanks again, and write on!
Andy,
ReplyDeleteWow! Pretty intense. This story has really come into its own. The layers of tension you’ve woven make this story gripping. I love the barrier to Brian succeeding with the girl, which just adds more regret to his already substantial guilt about the hazing. That’s great tension that helps drive the story.
You’ve created characters that I care about. Okay, some of them I care about, others I want to punch in the face. I want to see Brian get the girl. I want to see him make the right choices that will make him deserve her, and I want to see how things can be reconciled with her brother in a way that will allow Trina to forgive Brian so she can still accept him. I don’t want to see it all at once. I want to savor the journey and see how it is done. That’s what I want to see, but knowing the author, I foresee a bumpy road and one that will take unexpected turns that will make the whole journey more interesting. As a Chocolate War lover, you might even take us full speed toward a hairpin turn and then throw us in a ditch at the side of the road; and leave us there. But somehow that will probably seem like where we belong. Maybe whatever is in the ditch will even turn out to be more interesting than what was down the road.
I also love The Outsiders feel with the Dirts and Cakes. I do have a few questions about Brian’s vs. Trina’s social status at school. It seems that although Brian lives with his dad in the Dirts area, that because of his abilities on the court, he’s accepted among the Cakes. I wondered why Trina didn’t seem to enjoy the same Cake acceptance since she too is an outstanding athlete. She also seems to have the personality that brings popularity, and I get the impression from Brian’s interest in her that she’s attractive, which cake-eaters seem to like. Is there some other reason that she isn’t accepted by the Cakes? Did she first reject them? Does she show some kind of open disdain regardless of their interest in her? Are they extra harsh with her because a lowly Dirt dared to reject them? Is she a kind of ambassador or protector of her Dirt people? She does seem morally superior to Brian. If she has passed on a chance to be accepted by the Cakes then she certainly would be. You might have already addressed these questions so forgive me for mentioning them if you have.
Great piece Andy. I confess, I was looking forward seeing what comes next with your sci-fi piece, but you made me glad you gave us this gem.
Alan
Andy,
ReplyDeletePart of the beauty of being in this group is to read the commentaries. They often add insight, understanding, great suggestions and the language of the commentary is up to the standard we all strive for. Way to go Riley and Alan, and by the way, to Dave and the rest of the original group.
Now, about Brian and Trina et al. Mary K. reads my work and all of yours. These are a few of her comments as an elementary teacher of reading and writing. "Well paced, age appropriate language and story. Love the characters who are relevant and believable. Eager to know what happens next. Great conflict, timeless.
I went to my book shelves to the R's and pulled out "Empire Falls" by Richard Russo. His opening lines describing the Empire Diner are some of the best description I have ever read. Brian's narrative describes the physical details of both the outside world, Minnesota in the winter for runners,(me) and the world inside Brian(Andy) with as much vitality and truth as Russo(Pulitzer Prize Winner)
Andy, Mary K. and I want to leave you with this fact. You should devote as much of your life to writing as life allows. Need an agent?
I love working with this group.