I forgot to write in the FU.
Any comments are welcome on the short bit I e-mailed a week or so ago, which was a brainstorm/noodling about session.
Writing that kicks your ass
Monday, February 21, 2011
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Chris,
ReplyDeleteThis story pulled me in with Robert’s dilemma over what to do about the girl sitting in his special chair; a girl he describes as his nemesis. As I wondered what he’s going to do about the seat situation and if it might lead to him getting to know a cute and interesting girl, the lights go out. Then you go to the mysterious phone and then to him seeing the girl outside and her cryptic words.
At the end of the third page I was filled with questions. Why did the lights go out? Did the girl have anything to do with it? If she did, they why? If someone else was responsible then why the warning not to go home rather than warning him to get the heck out of there? Why did the girl call Robert when she could have talked to him in the library in person? Is the girl really cute? I like that I had all these questions. I want to keep reading to get them answered.
This story seemed very personal to me. Although I’m not a big first person guy, I was so connected with Robert that I kept wondering what this story would sound like in first person. Hearing the story in Robert’s own words might also up the suspense. Of course using first person might make it more challenging to keep the reading guessing if the hero is going to make it if he’s the one telling the story.
Great suspense at it is and an intriguing story.
Alan
Chris, here is my impression from reading these three jam-packed pages. Your protagonist is a loner who finds a sense of security in ritual. As evidenced by the seats he's claimed for all the most public/exposed locations of his daily life. It seems like the girl he sees sitting in his seat would immediately intrigue him, like maybe it's the beginning of a fantasy he's had many times before. It's interesting that her apparent eye-contact in the window reflection gives him the creeps instead of making him embarrassed. This guy may also be borderline stalkerish. First of all, he's afraid the girl will think he's a stalker. And, apparently he sits at that seat so he can look at people anonymously and draw them. Or, I guess he just does character sketches. I think maybe I read too much into that. In any case, you have an introverted character with a dark fantasy life (smiling at the thought of a psychopath driving a screwdriver in his neck), and my feeling is I'm in an intriguing, slightly-off point of view indeed.
ReplyDeleteI get a little of his vulnerability when the girl dissapears. And when he wonders whether to answer the phone, it seems like his invitation to move from an observer on the fringes to a participant in the adventure and danger of his own life.
As usual, you are a master at atmosphere and tone. I think your work should be studied by writers to learn how powerfully setting can be used to ratchet up suspense.
I kept wondering the same thing as Alan about 1st person. I think you should at least try it to see what happens.
Chris,
ReplyDeletePlease email the piece to me. Never got it.
Bill
Chris,
ReplyDeleteDave nailed it--you're awesome with atmosphere and tone (I still remember how my skin got the crawlies as I read the opening scene of REDUCTION!).
And Alan poses wonderful questions--this piece charges me up creatively and I find myself wondering all sorts of compelling possibilities. Robert has, as Dave says, a slightly off-point point of view, and I'd love to inhabit him for a while, encounter the world as he does (and the perils these scenes promise!).
And so maybe I don't want to say too much, but ask you questions (feel free not to answer--sometimes it's nice to let a story incubate). Do you see where this story may be going, or more about Robert and what larger forces seem to be gathering around him? And what's his next move?
Playing with POV might be fun--it may let you indulge in Robert's voice, which, when it almost surfaces as the psychic distance lessens (the stalker line!), is full of personality (some dark humor and perceptiveness). Third person does have the advantage--and I think we see it here--of putting up less of a barrier between the reader and what's going on inside the protagonist. I'm not advocating either--maybe it's too early in the process?--I advocate only to explore, and you've got a character and a situation that will be fun to explore!
Thank you for sharing, Chris!
I know. I will love it. Somebody please send Chris's piece to me.:)
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteI only have the first two pages of this (ending where he’s wondering if he should take the phone to the lost and found. Since I didn’t realize this until after reading Dave’s Andy’s, and Alan’s comments, I now think that most of the questions I had (like what’s the character’s name and is he in high school or college—although I suspect college from the setting, but he must live at home because of the sister’s slumber party) are unnecessary to ask. So I’m just going to comment on what’s in front of me, specifically voice and tone.
It really is a great opening. Good introduction to the protagonist. Interesting situation. Intrigue. Mystery. Etc. And the voice is simultaneously very proper and formal (“came to think,” “occupying his spot,” etc.) and distinctly YA (“scorching hot date”). Something about the tone reminds me of speculative fiction from the 40’s and 50’s—Ray Bradbury, Henry Kuttner, or the like—a sort of formal description of the mundane or the banal maintained throughout the text, even as the story takes a turn for the dark and mysterious. And your story makes a transition, quickly and effectively, into that mysterious—perhaps somewhat frightening—territory. The text is even kind of noir-y, complete with a femme fatale. Maybe even Hitchockian.
And while I agree with the others that it might be worth experimenting with first person (it often is), I like the current narrator a lot and encourage you to play more with it. Third person is rarely used in YA (because it’s rarely successful with the audience), but if you can do it well (and it’s the right fit), I say go for it. And I’m saying go for it. (If you want to.)
I’m reading Pete Hautman’s The Big Crunch right now, which (I think) represents excellent use of third person narration in a YA novel (for a totally different reason than it works with your story, but it might be worth checking out).
Thanks for sharing, Chris! I’d love to read more!
Riley
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ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteTwo pages, as I printed them out, that give the YA reader an immediate reason to buy this book.
I often see them in a B&N reading the first lines of a new book and dropping the book on the floor. If it was your book they were reading, they would race to the check out or out the door.
Your physical detail is superb, "forgotten microfiche cabinets,,,," So, my guess is that we are in a large metropolitan high school library with a lot of tradition.
"Ponyboy" is from Hinton's "Outsiders," written in 1967. Do you intend to return to this fact? If not, why have it on the table? Or is it to tell us how old the school is? Whatever it is, I love the reference to one of the best YA books ever written.
How much have you written? What is the theme you have in mind, or is it developing as you write?
I think first person would work, but as Riley says, it is your call. I am sending the commented pages separately.
Keep it coming. Very well done.