Saturday, October 23, 2010
Albert No-name
Here's a substantial rewrite of Albert No-name. I feel like the first version had a lot of issues. I'm interested in knowing what you think of the sequence of events, amount of info. given, general readability and whatever else catches your eye or you think needs something. Basically what works and what doesn't.
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Part 1 - Reaction
ReplyDeleteWow, Alan, I can't believe how much fantastic work you've done on this. You've really done it! This flows so well now, and everything seems to be in place. Fast pace, non-confusing action, clear, vivid settings, clear yearning. This is what I call a page turner, and it really works as a completely original, hilarious yet poignant, adventure fantasy. My comments are going to be more nitpicky because I don't think there's a lot of major stuff to talk about. Actually, there is one question I had, but I'll get to that later. I think the main stuff you have to do now is probably along the lines of figuring out how to clearly explain the important details and information about your very richly-imagined world.
The first paragraph where they dump him out while the car is still moving, wow! I love how that action sets the pace for the rest of these 20 pages.
On that first page, maybe you could show him successfully be inside the house, taking a pause and shifting gears before lunging to save the kids. It kind of stalled the story a little bit to have him save the kids while he was still trying to return unnoticed. Because my focus whas on him successfully getting in the house before she saw him. So it was distracting at first that now he's going to interrupt his stealth mission to save the kids.
One stylistic thing, and therefore just my opinion - there are a few times in the story where you mention important details in passing as if we already knew them. To avoid reader confusion, I think you should just directly tell or show us those things. So for example, “the girl they had been flicking peas at was still there.” I was confused because I don't think you had told us they had been flicking peas at her before this. And, “He shone his little flashlight on the silver band of his moonstone ring.” The way it reads made me think to myself “Oh was I supposed to know he had a moonstone ring?” I think you should call more attention to this moonstone ring rather than revealing such an important detail in passing. Like, “Albert shone his flashlight on the moonstone ring on his right hand. The stone gleamed in its silver setting...” or whatever.
I love your imagination! I love Squeakers, both character defining and an important piece of magic. I love “P.S. Waterworld is famous for its bottlenose dolphins.” I love the vividness and personalities of Old Wolf and Ug. I love the depth that this story has in the character and mystery of Albert No-name, while still managing to be hilarious!
Part 2 - A question
ReplyDeleteSo I tried to track the actions of Albert. In the beginning, we see him getting rejected by his foster family and then proactively rescuing those kids and calling himself brave. So we get this impression of kind of a badass indepentant kid. Then we see him vulnerable in his hideout, afraid of being found by Grimsley. Next, we find out about his wolf roots and know that this is a wild, fierce boy. Then the next day he's scurrying to clean all the bathrooms like Grimsley commanded because he is afraid of the extra punishment. So I'm guessing you are creating this balance of a wild, independent kid who is also a normal afraid boy like everybody else.
I do feel a little disconnected to Albert because I'm trying to decide if he's proactive or passive instead of accepting that he is both. If he's got some strong passive tendencies, one solution could be to show Albert wrestling with his fear and dread a little more. Or if he doesn't have strong passive tendencies, maybe he could be hiding from Grimsley for more specific reasons other than just general dread of the punishing authority figure. Like maybe there is hope for going to Waterworld another time... or whatever.
The main reason I bring this up is because when Old Wolf gives Albert the invitation to come with him and go find his parents, I had a hard time understanding his considerable reluctance. Is it in Albert's character to stay at that place and wait for his parents to come find him? Or is it more in his character to leap at the opportunity that Old Wolf explicitly offers: find his parents, escape that hell hole, and discover the mystery of who he really is?
If this is something you think you need to work on, I don't think it's a big fix. I think you've got an awesome, original story that kids will love, and with a very clear direction - who is Albert no name!?!
Alan, you have made great progress in this revision. I found myself standing next to Albert throughout the story. Your use of physical details is fabulous; page 3, "A faint smile struggled to bend the iron bars she liked to call her lips." You use foreshadowing very effectively, leading us to Albert's wolfness, page 1, "snarled and sprinted.." You must have researched wolf packs to describe Albert's instinctive moves, "evasive maneuvers."
ReplyDeleteYou are creating a world inhabited by warring super hero's and villians. Mrs. Grimsley is a bit of a mystery. I imagine she will turn out to be an eventual ally of Albert's; the adult that he needs in his life that doesn't pull any punches, tells it like it is, yet still fights for the kids in her care. I see her as better than Dahl's Trunchbull in Matilda. In fact, I hpope she wins a competition of some kind, maybe for women with bad hair, snakelike.
At the end of chapter two, Albert says "It wasn't my fault," I wonder what he is talking about and hope it is revealed. Why is his memory only of the last three years? I am sure it will be revealed and we will will all go aha and laugh. Which is one of the reasons I really like your writing. You don't give anything away too early or without a little thought. And, you have one of the wierdest senses of humor in middle grade fiction that I can think of. Foster Dad is in love with his nose? Maggie Moris, our classmate, has a great witchy character with two noses.
I think Albert uses his wolfness to stay alive and at the same time hide from something his real parents did to him. Every kid has some fear that is too much to cope with and he or she hides it under protective shield.
The old wolf is cool. On page 12 there is a passage that confuses me. "The old man's stern face softened and his eyes became moist." Does he know Alberts parents? Is he Albert real father? On page 15, 2nds line, "Every movement took tremendous as if he were slogging through quicksand," needs a word.
Your first description of Ug on page 15 tells a bit instead of showing," huge and hideous, appearance of a misshapen man." Please show me here what he looks like. I felt I had to criticize at least one line.:)
On page 16, middle paragraph, "A small cloud....." illustrates your unique voice and descriptive abilities. This is a world kids will love to walk through.
Is Greystone any reference to Tarzan's home in England? Is Albert related to an ape too?
Great stuff Alan, keep it up.