Hi guys.
This is yet another manifestation of the first two chapters of my novel (tentatively titled Year of the Comet). Some of you have seen other versions of this. Help me with the usual stuff—what’s working, what’s not, voice, characterization. All that good stuff. I’m just throwing it out there. Offer whatever comments you are moved to provide.
Thanks so much!
Riley
P.S. Actual text is attached in an email. Let me know if you didn't get it. Thanks!
Writing that kicks your ass
Sunday, March 28, 2010
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Riley,
ReplyDeleteI want Michael to have something that drives him on this earth. Yes, have the obsession with the comet, but let him be a fan of Pre for a reason.
Pre died in 1975, 4 years after Michael was born. Did his dad tell him about Pre? Does Michael see this great runner as a role model? What a great title for the next world record holder in the 5,000, if he does see what Pre was all about.
Gran dying is good daily growing up stuff that he has no control over. His running offers him some control and a physical example of yearning.
I would like the story to twist around the comet and Michaels view of what drove Pre and finally to Michael realizing that he is in control of his life.
Line by line, very well written. The pacing is good, the suspense is building. You have three themes here that co-exist nicely. Kid moves into town without friends and meets bullys. Kid has relative die. And my favorite, kid has a passion that will save his life – stars and running – my hope.
Good work. I think it has a lot to say to a middle grade fan base.
Bill
The title rings of something about to happen. The connection between the comet returning after 75 years and some important thing happening in Michael’s life is compelling and I want to continue to read to find out what it is.
ReplyDeleteYour voice is authentic and interesting. You also use it well to alternate between showing and telling. I thought you did a good job introducing the back story. Doing that without bogging things down can be a tough but essential trick to pull off in a first chapter (I certainly have trouble with it). You’ve made your first chapter both functional and engaging.
I also like your character development. As I finish reading chapter one I remember and can visualize Mr. Ryan, Slouchy, the gum girl, Nathan and Michael. Michael, as a space-nerd who’s on the small side, fits in as target of Nathan. There’s that all important conflict. You’ve set up other interesting conflicts as well, including the move to a new place and the complications that come with it.
I’m intrigued by this grandmother. She seems quite mentorish and I want to get to know her better. I also like that while Mr. Ryan’s teaching style may be a bit boring he is not a total wuss. I anticipate a deepening connection between him and Michael.
If I were to suggest any potential for improvement to chapter one it might be to tighten it up a bit more so it moves at a little faster pace. That could be a personal preference though and because of the tremendous strengths of the first chapter, I’m certainly anxious to continue on to chapter 2.
You picked the pace up in chapter 2 and I was engaged from the first line. I loved the intro and how in chapter one you set us up for grandma to ask that very question. That it’s the first thing out of her mouth when he comes home was choice. Great characterization of Gran throughout. Loved the physical description of the glasses magnifying her eyes. Also love how perceptive she is. She instantly knows there’s something bothering Michael while Dad barely registers that his son is in the same room. In chapter one you set the reader up for a great grandma character and you didn’t disappoint.
Great dialogue in chapter 2. You used it well to move the story along and further develop the characters.
Powerful and unexpected ending to chapter 2. Here's the ultimate conflict for Michael. People read to feel something and I definitely did.
Now the title is full of so much meaning. Both Gran’s death and the coming of a spectacular astrological event, that’s particularly significant to Michael and his relationship to his grandmother, will come at about the same time.
Well done.
You have given us a unique, interesting, relatable and likeable character Riley. I especially love his passion for the stars. As someone who has a lifelong love of astronomy, I appreciate how he calls it "My sky" and how the definition of godforsaken is a place with light pollution.
ReplyDeleteThe story really moves along smoothly for me, with new information coming naturally with the action. Usually when I begin a story, I find myself drawn or more attentive to one aspect - like maybe a character or the setting or the plot. Here, I found myself aware and interested in all of these things - that is some good writing magic!
Nice setting details like with Reagan and Pre and the arcade game. I'd like to see even more of this stuff as long as it doesn't slow the pace.
You have clearly put a lot of thought into characterization, with great physical details and mannerisms. Though there is something about Nathan that isn't quite working for me. I think it might be that I don't really believe some of the things he says. He's got some good teenager sounding slang sometimes like "dude" and "you're class blows," but it's mixed up with witty grown up phrases - like "bending over backwards" or "expediting the fall of humanity." Keep working on making this guy's vocabulary and sense of humor consistent.
This is just an exciting story to be working on Riley. The sense of urgency and structure that the comet provides is instantly engaging. The emotional weight of Gran's revelation strikes me as perfect for the epic tone that this central astronomical event sets. I think the biggest thing I can say is keep doing what you're doing! This feels like it's going to be great.
First of all, I appreciate the balance between narration and dialog. The reading moves along at a nice clip.
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious what the main character wants in the first chapter. In the second chapter at the dinner table, we get a good sense of the family interplay--the mother is a bit domineering, the father is in his own world, and Gran is dying. I wonder, however, why the father thinks it's a good idea not to say anything to his family about Gran's health. Is he so wrapped up in his teaching he doesn't want to deal with the added family stress?
As a fellow teacher, I have a problem with the teacher's lack of backbone, even though he is a new instructor. I can certainly see the guy using an airhorn (that was funny and unexpected), but to simply sit back and take the abuse delivered by the class clown doesn't sit right. Yes, there are passive teachers, but...I don't know. Maybe the guy will tighten up later in the novel. Or the teacher will keep trying different things to get the upper hand to comedic effect. At any rate, the teacher was the only character that didn't ring true.
Have you thought about how your story will relate to non-astronomy readers? You obviously can't please everyone, but thinking about grabbing a wider audience might be something to mull over.
This is a crisp start--congratulations on that!
Thanks for your input, fellas! Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteHi Riley,
ReplyDeleteSorry for getting this to you late, but since I haven't posted my piece yet, I hope it'll be okay.
I like how you've set this up. it's interesting, intriguing and there are a lot of big events going on from the start. First day of highschool after a move, always a big time. Having moved around a lot as a child, I knpow how this can be big for a kid. On the plus, it's a fresh start. No enemies, no past, nothing. But the same thing is the con, no friends, no connections, and you have to start over learning the rules. Consider adding his thoughts on this. We know he was reluctant for the move because of stargazing and that he already didn't have a lot of friends, but I woulds like to see a bit more.
Michael comes across as a great narrator. Clear, precise, and you get his personality and thoughts. Perfect.
The biggest comments I have would be for Mr. Ryan and Nathan.
Mr. Ryan is believable on two levels. First, I believe he knows what he's talking about. He seems intelligent and knowledgable about astronomy and running a class. He has authority, especially when he brings out the bullhorn. Also, the seating chart thing with last names first, caught me as a teacher who runs a tight ship. However, he is also believable as a new, insecure teacher. He loses control of the class and lets Nathan say whatever he wants, despite threats. We also visibly see the result of his failures "slouching in his chair" for example. I see him as being possibly a confident teacher or an insecure one. The problem with this, is that it's not working for me with him being both. One aspect should be toned down. When he acts in charge, I have a hard time believing he's new. And when he makes the rookie mistakes, I don't believe him as a confident teacher. So, my advice would be to try to unify his two halves. I like both, and they both work seperately, but the conflicting identities makes it hard for me as a reader to believe his character on that level.
Nathan is the other character I'd look at. Not for his character, but the way he is presented to us. We get, at different times, different facts about him. This is of course to be expected, but I would consder changing the order you give them to us. For example, Mr. Ryan (arbitrarily?) picks him to answer on page 2. However, the only thing Michael tells us is that he's the class smartass. Then, on page 4, we learn that Michael believes Nathan dumped his books on the floor earlier. I feel like this is something we should hear Nathan say on the first encounter. It makes me think why didn't he mention that earlier? And on page 5, we finally get a description of him. After looking at it again, I realized that maybe he only "think" Nathan was one of the people/could have been and that he never turned around before that moment... but I still feel uncomfortable with this information so late in the chapter. It's something that I feel the reader might need up front, at least I felt that way.
As for the family dynamic in chapter 2, perfection! I loved every bit of it and blew through those pages without any stalls at all. It was interesting and character driven. The dialogue and Michael's thoughts played out perfectly. Loved the cliff hanger ending.
I hope to see more of this, it sounds like a great beginning.
Sorry I'm jumping in a little late.
ReplyDeleteRiley, I loved it.
I concur with all of the good things the others have identified--smooth opening chapters moving at a good clip; the wonderful way the comet sets up story structure and offers a parallel with Gran and gives opportunity for wonderful imagery and metaphor; the family dynamics in Chapter 2; your portrayal of the period (through descriptions of hair styles and the smooth use of time-specific details--many of them work so well b/c they're double-duty details); etc.!
I'd like to mention specially how much I enjoy Michael's voice. You know him well--you evoke
I like that this story has as one of its primary relationships a teenager and his grandmother. As I read more and more YA lit (I still feel like a novice reader of YA!), I don't come across many protagonists who have a relationship with an adult that is at the center of the story. Perhaps part of this is because teens are moving in larger spheres and spend a lot of time with other teens and not much with adults other than teachers (and parents and coaches and bosses). But here you've portrayed a wonderful relationship between Michael and Gran. They share a passion for the sky, and she is the person in the world who understands him best--and he's about to lose her. This loss is as certain as the comet's appearance and has been set up as a parallel to the comet's arrival (the comet story almost serves as the backdrop for the main story). Awesome storytelling. I do wonder--and this isn't something I need to know in the first two chapters--does Michael make connections with any of the kids from the school?
I loved the chapter endings--you cut at moments of high tension. I do wonder if you could draw these moments out a little longer. At the end of the first chapter, Mr Ryan gets one-upped by Nathan (and the bell!), and Michael trails the class out of the room even though he feels the pull to comfort Mr Ryan. I feel things would slow down here, as they would when Dad and Gran begin talking about something that must be told to Mom and Michael. At both times, I feel Michael would have greater alertness and notice more detail, and you could take advantage of that detail to increase the dramatic power.
I loved it. Especially Michael's voice--that's a voice that as a reader I would enjoy following!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteThis is polished and smooth, I felt like I was reading a real book! Your narration seems confident, and you weave essential details (like names) deftly into the narrative. This is something I struggle with a lot, and I just need to get over it with practice.
Gran, New Baby, and Haley’s Comet all will beautifully tie into the end, and Michael dealing with the emotional weight of the three. The comet is everlasting, the birth is a new beginning, and of course death is final. All of these experiences will be new for Michael and I think they are compelling experiences to write about.
I only had three critical comments, two of them were covered by Chris. This material is very heavy in the astronomy. It is a necessity, I understand, but also, it needs to be handled just right. Trimming back a little may help. Not sure though. I was reading it, as “This has appeal to me, because I like astronomy. Does it have over all appeal?” Also, being a high school male teacher, no way would that little shit have gotten away with the things he said/did in class. Especially after the air horn. Mr. Ryan regains control of the class in a cool way, and you take it away from him. Have Nathan say the class blows under his breath, let the bell ring, and give Mr. Ryan his moment. Also, I have a niggling feeling that Nathan may be more intelligent (and friendly) than he is letting on. You have him set up as too much of a jack ass, right now anyway. :)
My independent contribution to the critical commentary, is to be aware of the 1985 mentality. Your use of the modern concerns of the control of video games on youth psyche, and the proliferation of light pollution have only been popular concerns after 1985. I know a few people were concerned about light pollution, for example the International Dark-Sky Association, but that was not founded until 1988. Basically, it wasn’t a concern at a “well known” level. Now this can easily be fixed by adding Gram into that discussion, which you touched upon a little. Also, arcade games were not quite a serious concern, as they were not as popular in homes yet. “Galaga,” my favorite game when I was in elementary/middle school, was made in 1981, and “Gauntlet” in 1985. These things ring to me as concerns that may be somewhat anachronistic. “Dungeons & Dragons” was much more of a concern in 1985, and I recall it was in the news and accused of being “devil worship”. A pint size Tom Hanks even starred in the movie “Monsters & Mazes” in 1982 that really illustrated this concern.
Anyway, my point is that beware of anachronisms! :D I think they can work, but they have to be handled specifically, and carefully.
I can’t reiterate enough, that this is a very polished piece. You have a great command of the narrative voice, and this is very well done.
Nice job.
Jason