I am sending the manuscript as it exists today. The last piece sent in November was 4 chapters and 16 pages. This is the revised 4 and 13 more, short, short chapters. Read what you have time for. If I persevere, I will finish in May.
The story is now focused on the search for Tramp's sister. Unknown to Tramp, she may have been living only a few blocks away, but now has disappeared.
I am looking for responses to the number of characters and their importance to the story.
Writing that kicks your ass
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Aaargh. Wrote my whole post but I hadn't signed in, so it vanished. WHERE'S PHOEBE??? How could you leave us hanging like that, Bill? That's just plain cruel.
ReplyDeleteOkay, you do have a lot of characters. Could you/should you streamline? Hard to say since some of them haven't appeared yet (I'm looking at the cast of characters you include in the book.) All I can do is take a stab -
1. Could you get rid of Sergeant Olson, and just let Officer Johnson do all the human police work?
2. Do we actually need to see Frank & Rhonda Patterson? Harriet is such a strong character - seems like it would take attention away from her to bring her kids in, plus it means introducing new characters very late in the story.
3. Does Moriarity become important in his own right, or is he really just a vehicle to bring Corvus into the story? If the latter, could you do that more simply, and leave out Moriarity? (Corvus and the crows are GREAT.)
4. You have a lot of animals in TK Associates. You absolutely need Calico, Pauly and the Mouse Chorus - because the chorus is so adorable - but if you wanted to trim, Suzette and Flip could maybe get adopted soon after they distribute the cards. I'm not necessarily advocating this - it's just a possibility.
5. Do Aspen's long legs afford him some particular advantage in the rescue? If not, why is he in the story?
6. I assume Bridget, Meghan & Finn are rescued along with Phoebe - so of course they stay.
7. Obviously Harold & Betty Holden stay.
I can't really comment on Big Bob, Bobby, Eddy Crithers, Dr. Oliver, Rodney & Mrs. Smithers, because they haven't appeared in the story yet.
Can't wait to read the ending!!!
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteGreat questions! Time is the enemy. Publisher wanted it April 1, maybe now June 1.
I am on page 65 and wonder about all you mentioned.
Bill
I wonder if you could write Frank and Rhonda Patterson out entirely - just make Harriet new to the 'hood. Also, while it is delightful to have all these rescued animals be part of TK Associates, it does create something of a structural problem - because won't most books in the series be about rescuing animals? So one could foresee a constant stream of newly rescued Associates joining the cast... how to offload them gracefully? Could Dr. Oliver's vet practice have an open house periodically, attended by all of Colin's schoolmates looking to adopt?
ReplyDeleteI like the little details you added to the first 6 pages. Your description of how the animals sneak around to avoid being conspicuous is very effective. In this scene you also reintroduce a lot of characters right away. They are all delightful and I would miss any one of them. I don’t know if I feel like there are too many for that scene. If they were to all have parts throughout the story then it would be a bit much. If you just focus on a few characters in each book I don’t mind them. However, you also bring in some new characters.
ReplyDeleteMoriarity might make too many characters if this were a standalone book, but since it’s a series you have some time to develop him and get a lot of mileage out of him. By the way, his roll seems more clear now.
Corvus is taking a bigger part then I thought he would. I find myself liking him and would hate to see him go. I initially thought you didn’t need that whole murder of crows but they are an essential part of the plan, although that plan didn’t work out. What if during reconnaissance it’s discovered Tramp’s sister is gone before the murder of crows is brought in?
With the roles of both Moriarity and Corvus being so prominent you might not want to give the original characters much to do.
Like Carolyn, I wonder if we need Aspen? Is there an essential role the dog will play? If so, could that role be played by an animal we already know? Could he just be taken out?
I also like Mrs. Oliver but I’m wondering if Collin and she kind of fill the same role. Could they be combined?
On another note, when Tramp first meets Mrs. Patterson she doesn’t seem to realize that Tramp can communicate with her. Because of that, what she says seems like a bit of an info. dump. If Mrs. Patterson does realize Tramp understand her then the amount of info she divulges makes sense. If she does realize Tramp can communicate with her then could this be shown by Tramp saying something to her that she understands and acknowledges? Or, maybe Tramp acknowledges what she’s saying by some unmistakable means that doesn’t surprise her. Maybe she just takes if for granted because she knows Tramp’s sister and she’s like him. Not that you’d spell it out to that extent.
I’ve always liked the teamwork portrayed in your writing. You have to have a team. It’s fun to see you develop this balance between team and the emotional impact that comes from getting inside an individual, who is Tramp, and sharing his personal joy, desires, pain and struggle.
I look forward to reading more.
Alan
Hi Bill!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing what you have of Tramp’s second installment. Sorry my reply is so late! We’ve begun the moving process again. In fact, at the end of July, we’re moving to West Calhoun in Minneapolis (just a few blocks south of Tramp’s neighborhood)! Anders will (probably) attend Kenwood Elementary! I can’t wait to explore Tramp’s stomping grounds.
I absolutely love the warmth and humor in these books, and I love how the animals act and interact. Picturing them delivering business cards early in the morning, or crossing the boulevard (parade-style) to check out the crime scene is charming. I’d even say to add more of that sort of thing, especially if it adds to the personalities of the individual characters. The mice, for example, always speak in song (and the same song)! If you give those kinds of traits to all of the primary animals, it will help us to keep them straight (and help to flesh out the story a little more). Right now, I feel like there are too many characters for a short book like this.
I also like how you’ve sort of inverted the ‘one detective with several suspects’ setup the genre usually employs (by having essentially one suspect and many detectives). By fleshing out each character’s personality and role a little more, perhaps the crime-solving can be even more fun.
I think you’ve depicted Mrs. Patterson’s emotional state quite well. I love your description about how she nervously folds and unfolds the faded red blanket (another great image). And she’s generally edgy, occasionally bossy, and even a little unpleasant towards the people and animals who wish to help her. Feels right. Her agitated state MIGHT even lead me to believe that she’d put her faith into a dog she just met instead of calling the police. I do still wonder, though, why she doesn’t call the police right away? Does she mistrust the police? Does she have something to hide?
I like your use of detail. There’s a sequence where Tramp is observing the neighborhood (the comings and goings of cabs, buses, baby carriages, tires needing air, etc.), demonstrating his observational skills.
I like how Corvus takes care of Moriarty (and Moriatry’s name! Perfect!), but I wonder what happens to Moriarty? Will he be back to play a role in the climax? Or was he a means to an end, introducing us to Corvus?
The short paragraph that begins with “Little to the left Tramp,” is fantastic. First, we see how Colin is growing and developing his own interest/hobby in photography (something that’s, incidentally, relevant to their detective work!). Plus we’re told about the Kenwood Gazette, which is the perfect sort of nostalgic neighborhoody detail for this story! I'd like to see more use of Colin's photography.
One item to look at when revising—remember this is a mystery and your readers NEED to pay close attention. So trust them to do that. It’s good to indicate who can communicate with the animals (and why), either as a reminder to fans of the previous book or as an explanation to those new to the series. But I think you can just tell us once in the beginning and then trust the reader to remember it, trust the reader will know who shares the animals’ trust and who doesn't (simply by saying so-and-so understood their words or so-and-so just heard barks—or something like that). I know when I read a mystery as a kid (and even when I read one now), I like to feel like I’m picking up on stuff, figuring it out on my own.
Bottom line: keep going! I’m enjoying Tramp’s second outing, and I’m anxious to see how it resolves. Is Phoebe okay? Is she Tramp’s sister?
Thanks. Bill!
Riley