Hey Team,
I'm sending about 20 pages of Sludge. It takes up from where the last installment ended with Sludge in the Rocky Mountains. He's hiding in the parking lot outside a store in North Fork, Idaho. He's on the run after escaping from Mathew's compound. All the usual questions apply. I also feel like it's kind of bloated. Any tips on shortening, tightening and getting rid of anything not needed would be appreciated. Also, how can I up the tension and keep it exciting and enjoyable to read?
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Alan & Team,
ReplyDeleteWe all have to realize that Alan is a weird genius. He is giving Glade the abilities all kids and writers wish they had. These abilities range from living alone and surviving, to controlling animals with trust and respect to becoming something, asphalt, just by thinking about asphalt, to, my favorite, talking to yourself, myself, alter-ego, what ever a psychiatrist might term this weird relationship with the self. Think current movie, Her, with Joaquin Phoenix. Alan, your analysis of Glade's survival methods are what writers face every day. You give good advice.
I will send the manuscript with comments via email.
I wouldn't change or add anything. I just want to see more.
ReplyDeleteAlan, all the things that have been said about Sludge before apply here as well. This is funnier than ever, and I love how you never waste an opportunity for comedy. Best laugh out loud moment for me was “You don’t know how to deal with the dogs, do you?”
ReplyDeleteI'm really enjoying this, and particularly a couple of new developments this time. I love the whole concept of him getting inside the grizzly dogs and mind controlling them. I love that first mind battle where he thinks like the alpha dog for a moment. I just think the concept of him controlling this pack of scary dogs is not only thrilling, it fits in perfectly with his personality and his animal side. I see great potential here with him and his new allies returning to take down the whole operation! And great opportunities for more wild Alan comedy with him maybe slipping into dog mind himself occasionally!
Another genius development I loved here was how you deal with his split personality. Rather than just doing a back and forth dialogue between myself and I, you upped my interest, entertainment-level and investment by embodying this alter ego in his hand! I love that his hand speaks for the other Glade and has handlike personality quirks all its own. This is a great way to deal with something that in the hands of a lesser author could have become tedious. I identified with it personally, too, because it's what I do every day! Whenever my mind becomes unfocused or distracted, I've found that the best trick is to start writing to myself. It's like this whole other person steps in and takes control for me! I'm sure we all identify with this as writers. You could even let it "handle" even more of the internal dialogue if you wanted, especially the parts where Glade reaches some kind of conclusion or decision in his thoughts.
I'm not sure how to tighten this up because it already moves so fast. It was seriously a super quick 20 page read. I have a couple of notes that I think could speak to your other question though, about uping the tension. The first has to do with dialogue. I think there are a couple of times in this piece and the last piece where I felt myself being reluctantly pulled out just the tiniest bit by some of the information-heavy dialogue lies. Seems like this might be a tone choice, which is fine. But I'm just saying for me that things like Mr. Rodgers buddy saying his phone is also a walkie talkie or monologuing just a bit while he's under the car just kind of takes some air out of the balloon you've been making so full, you know what I mean?
The other thing that I think could make it even more exciting is maybe just a titch more description/setting in a couple places. You get from point a to point b so fast when he's running up into the mountains that I feel like it's more of a summary. I'd like to feel more like I'm there. What kind of tree does he climb later? What do the dogs look like up close in all their grizzly, demon-eyed slobbering glory? I'm not saying a lot of description, but a little bit more would make it more exciting for me.
I think that's about it though. I really love Sludge, and a little more every time I delve back in. Thank you for Sludge, Alan!
Alan IS a weird genius! That's the BEST kind of genius--especially for telling stories!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bill and Dave on all their praise--the abilities that Glade has are awesome, the humor and comedy are spot on, and the pacing is torrid. This story MOVES!
And I love all the cool ingredients Alan stirs into this story--thinking "asphalt" allows Glade to appear like asphalt to others, Glade can enter the mind of an animal but at the peril of sort of losing his mind and taking on the mind of the animal, the ancients, the notebook with which Glad can communicate with another of his selves, the devices that the grizzly dogs wear that transmit what's happening to Mr. Mathews. The list goes on! And all of these things flow through the story--they all "belong" in this world. I'm pretty sure that if we all sat down around the bonfire every night, Alan could come up with an amazing tale night after night, and each amazing tale would be packed with cool things!
I do feel that the chapter could be quickened a little. One or two of the chapter breaks could perhaps be removed. In a few places, the dialogue could perhaps be compressed for effect--pressure makes diamonds!
Dave pointed out one place where the dialogue gets a little exposition-y--when Mr. Mathews' Buddy is at Glade for not being like the other kids. Some important info is given via Mr. Mathew's Buddy's dialogue, but how much of that info does the reader need to construct the story in their imagination? What I find most compelling in that dialogue is simply how this bad dude is really agitated with Glade for not being like the other subjects, for not just going along with the whole shady operation. That he says this is huge! Glade is trouble for the bad guys! He could--and will, I bet--become their worst nightmare!
Also, the grizzly dogs seem a little long in arriving. Maybe Glade gets the gift of the blowgun from the white ninja and has to scurry right up a tree because he hears the grizzly dogs' barking getting louder? And maybe he then doesn't have time to take a bath in the creek, but only enough time to quickly consult with the Glade in the notebook and then wrap himself in the scented toilet paper?
In any case, I feel like this section does have all the "events" it needs to keep the story moving forward. Some snipping would just help it move like Glade--with superhuman speed!
Alan, here's the comment I've been saving for last: If I'd come across SLUDGE when I was in grade school, I would have binge-read it!!!
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteSent comments to Alan but let me just gush a little here, too. I LOVE this story and this character so, so much. I really do appreciate that Dora isn't dead (which we found out in this installment) - hope to see her reappear as an ally later on. ( seems like she's the only female in the book, but she is a strong one) Love the perfect balance of hilarity and menace. Glade's voice is superb and unique. The notebook is a brilliant device, brilliantly executed.
I sent my email with attached comments to Alan and said, "now I'll go to the blog and see if I can think of something more intelligent to say than mere fawning." And I have! As Andy notes, Glade spends a long time running from those grizzly dogs. I looked again and I think you could probably cut the chapter that starts on page 6 - just sift thru for the critical details and duct-tape them into the next chapter.
Can't wait for more, Alan.