Wake Up - YA short story

This is my first attempt at YA.  It's a sci-fi/horror kind of thing.  Not sure I love it.  Maybe it's needs more clarity, or more punch in the language.  Is it suspenseful at all?  Any ideas on how to make it better?

Killing Conrad Gohl

Hi everyone,

I've sent along the opening of Killing Conrad Gohl. What cool occultish magical possiblities do you see envision for the story? And are there any movies and books you'd suggest I read for information and inspiration?

Thanks, Write Fu!!!