Sorry this is late. I wrote this over the last few days so I’m sure it could use quite a bit of everything. I’m mostly interested in what concepts are working and what areas detract from the story. Also, is there is a story here compelling enough to continue. The email is coming.
Thanks,
Alan
Writing that kicks your ass
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I'll have comments up tomorrow, Alan!
ReplyDeleteAlan,
ReplyDeleteAmazing work! As I remark in the comments I sent you, I've read a lot of great writing from you, and I think this is the best! Should you continue? I say heck yes! And have you? I'd love to know how it's going and where you're taking it.
Voice--Glade has a wonderful narrative voice--he is intelligent and perceptive and thoughtful and ironic and sarcastic. Love his voice! And I found myself using a certain term to describe so many of the lines--exquisite. And they're exquisite in that you've crafted the emotional punch and humor into lines that are ones perfectly fitting Glade's character, lines that he and only he would say. They ring true.
When I go into an Alan story, I go in expecting lots of humor and some deep emotional undercurrents that are always there and surface in key situations, in killer scenes. For me there was much humor immediately and then certain hints began to make me aware of the emotional undercurrents. Glade's captors making fun of him for soiling himself was particularly cruel, and what really hits me about that taunting is that he hasn't mentioned the incident in his narration yet--it took the taunting for him to reveal that bit of info, probably because it was painful. And of course the emotional undercurrents surface in the escape scene--Glade rages and loses control of his body (his legs take over), and he seems to be raging over having control of himself being taken from him. Excellent scene.
And since he has just escaped, and in so thrilling a fashion, I desperately want to know what happens next! Are Glade and Dora going to be toughing it out in the wilderness and then plotting to free their peers in the compound? Will they make it back to civilization, perhaps struggle to fit in, and become superheroes who perhaps, in episodes, seek to right wrongs while being constantly pursued by their former captors? This point in the story seems to be an important one--where it goes next decides what kind of story it's going to be (maybe that could be said for every point in a story!). Perhaps it would be helpful--and imaginatively thrilling!--to freewrite some "treatments" describing where the story could go. Though I imagine that you've got some ideas, and perhaps you're already off down a great path! Perhaps the answer is in Glade's character--his need and his yearning and how he transforms may ask for a certain kind of story.
I really like how bad and clever you make Mathews! To paraphrase something I read, "The antagonist drives the hero to greatness." And another: "Make the bad guy badder!" So keep making Mathews acting intelligently, if very wrongly, because Glade will then be forced to become even greater in order to triumph over Mathews. Also, I want to know Mathews' motivation--why is he doing this to these kids? And why does he think he is right in doing this to them? What is the argument he would put forward? How does he convince himself this is what he should be doing?
Awesome work, Alan! I would love to read more!
Hi Alan! Sorry I've been so tardy with posting. I've had the blinders on trying to finish the draft I'm working on. I'll have comments for you the first week of July--probably on or around the 4th. Hope you're having a great summer!
ReplyDeleteRi
Ri,
DeleteKeep going!!!
Bill
Team,
ReplyDeleteUse my bkennedy@csicable.net email. I have reinvented myself and am now working for a 100 bed long term care facility as the development director – (raise money) It is a very cool place that takes care of elderly people (a few hundred year-olds write stories) the way I would like to be taken care of.
Alan,
Ron Koertge’s highest praise is “I was in the hands of a good writer.” Alan, Ron would say that twice about “Sludge.”
Mary K. & I were driving back from Fargo, well, she was driving, last night and I read Sludge out loud. We laughed, and were sad, and talked about Blade et. al. during the whole 90 minutes. I felt at one time that I was in an Auschwitz for idiots or watching a new movie with Roberto Benigni, “Life is Beautiful” Oscar winner.
You put us in the scene with great physical detail and insightful descriptions of how Blade is surviving this horrific place. I cared about him and took a leap of faith that his legs were instinctively strong, agile, smart and dependable. The horror of being the subject of a cruel and unreasonable experiment is offset by Blade’s truly admirable desire to live and compete. And has compassion without the author saying “he was a man of compassion:” how I hate those telling phrases from other less talented writers.
We were constantly surprised and thrilled by the unexpected and believe that Blade and Dora are now ready to take on the monsters of the universe. But I must know now how wolves and Dad interact and how Blade came to be in the saving hands of such a gracious man.
I have no more comments on your talent or voice. I just want you to stay up for hours finishing this book, after you tell us about wolves, Dad and a little more about Mathews.
WOW.
Mary K. & Bill Kennedy
I echo Bill's closing sentiments!
ReplyDeleteAlan,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, sorry this is so late.
I always love reading your material. It’s fast. It’s fun. It’s exciting. Sludge is no exception.
I like how you’ve rooted this story in the world we know (referencing Dora, The Jetsons, Mr. Rogers, etc.) It’s not a dystopian society. And for this story, it works. Somehow, even, knowing it's in our world makes everything a little scarier.
The tone is near pitch-perfect. Humor-tinged yet a little creepy. Like, the fact that he names the experimenter Mr. Rogers is both funny and scary. It adds to our sense of uneasiness about what’s unfolding while simultaneously making it palpable. Does that make sense?
The whole affair sort of makes me think of Ender’s Game, one of my favorite books. Have you read it? If not, you should. I think it could inform this story as you move forward (whether or not there’s anything to the parallels between Glade’s and Ender’s plights).
I love how you sparingly sprinkle details of Glade’s past life into the story. You could maybe even do more with this. The first pages have the most energy and excitement—when he (and we) have no idea what’s going on. Obviously, he needs to remember his immediate circumstances fairly quickly (so he can interact with the other characters and play fistball with ease), but maybe recollection of his past (before this place) can trickle in a little slower. Maybe he has flashes of the way things used to be (instead of giving us glimpses of a past he already fully remembers). Does that make sense? Maybe the mystery of who he is and how he got here is part of the story. But take this suggestion with a grain of salt, because as you might have something entirely different in mind (as is evidenced by the climax to chapter 2).
On that note, you have a sure hand, and I trust you. As Bill (and Ron) would say, I feel I'm in good hands. I’m totally along for the ride, and even though I have a lot of questions about why things are happening, I’m willing to put them on hold, trusting that you will answer them all in good time. That's really the best kind of story!
And what a cliffhanger you left us on! More, please!
Great job, Alan, and thanks! Write on!
I thoroughly enjoyed sitting down and reading this awesome start to a story I'm really looking forward to. I admit I'm already a sucker for the survival breakout genre. Hunger Games, Battle Royale, Enders Game, Lord of the Flies, The Island, The Running Man. A hero is abused and stripped down to nothing only to rise up and break out of the evil oppressing system, leading fellow slaves to freedom and confronting the overlord in a dramatic scene of reckoning (well, not Lord of the Flies).
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you are going there of course, especially with the twist at the end here! But I got that familiar jolt of excitement and immersion from how you told this story. I love your structure, thrusting us right into the thick of it and making us feel like this world is going to slowly become revealed one secret at a time. As a reader, my question for the author was why did he make this choice? Clearly the protagonist knows a little more than we do, so what purpose (within the story itself) is it serving to tell it to us in this manner? I'm eager to read on to find out what revelations you have in store for me!
I love the hardcoreness of this story. As someone who has been tased once or twice in his life (I had no imagination for pain so excruciating before then), I cringed when I read “Tasering feels like a tickle.” Such a menacing abusive sinister place, treating kids worse than lab rats. And then he's got this sense of humor in the midst of it that's just absorbing to me. It's the biggest reason I'm intrigued by this guy. When he says “I hate it when people strap me to tables,” I'm laughing out loud and gasping simultaneously. This kid isn't exactly like the rest of us.
I love all the fistball stuff. I like how fistball makes life good for him. It gives me a sense for the character of this guy, despite the fact that I assume he's medicated. And again, fistball gives me that whole oppressive corporate regime genre Running Man/Death Race vibe. I like how you use the sport to establish his relationship with Steve. How they can set up plays with just a look. I think young men who like sports will understand what this connection feels like.
This whole thing seems like something to just keep writing through to the end as much as possible without too much revision for now. It's terrific, Alan. I can't wait for the next installment.