Gentlemen,
I've sent you the first two chapters of Eddie and Goob. Please channel your 7-11 year old boy self and let me know what works for you and what doesn't, as well as any other general comments you have.
As always, thanks for spending some time in my brain and offering up your thoughtful impressions.
Your friend in fu,
Dave
Writing that kicks your ass
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Dave,
ReplyDeleteI just sent an email out to the group with my inserted comments.
I love Eddie, Goob, Alien and Mom. The theme to me is "Being Seen." All the characters want to be "seen" as they are. And Dad is the mystery unseen character, so far. The plot is Star Trek the way a 10 year old boy would want it written.
All my comments are aimed at keeping the pace rapid with no halts or filters.
Paragraphs: Separate them by character's dialog, action, thought, movement. I find them easy to navigate through and that is all that counts: clarity of character.
I want the four characters plus the missing fifth, Dad, to continue on a journey to be Seen.
This is the kind of story that welcomes illustration, Goob in particular. A whole new species floating around the universe. You have to create a vision of his home planet and why he is where he is.
And, finally, the only reason I will get to my next pages is because of this group. I have to forget New Hospitals, locked Congress's, floods in North Dakota, earthquakes, floating radiation drops, massive walls of water, and just plain exhaustion.
Tomorrow I start. 20 pages or tax returns? The universal question. (fortunately, I have e-filed)
Dave, I just love this story. Good job tying it all together. Eddie's wish. The transmission Goob receives. Kirk (still love that choice of name, by the way). Alien. Mom. All of it. Just an excellent job.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with, Bill. Being SEEN is so important for kids Eddie's age. Great theme.
Things I love about your story:
The new Kirk. He has an edge to him. Still a bit antagonizing. But he’s not too mean. I get the sense that he could come around and be part of Eddie’s world (real or imagined).
The name “Eddie the Bright” is fantastic, because 1) it lets us know how Eddie sees himself, and 2) underscores his relationship with his mother.
Great details! Pebbly grin. Solar Seas. Awesome!
One question: Have you removed Eddie's father from the story altogether? If so, I think it's a good move. Not sure what it is about absent fathers, but it sure adds to the emotional weightiness of a story. Plus in this case, it further draws our attention to Eddie’s other relationships (with Goob, Mom, and Kirk). Good choice.
I really don’t have much in the way of concrete suggestions for you. Bill's on the money with paragraph structure, I think: by character thought, action, movement, and words. But you seem to be doing that already. The pace is good. The action and dialogue are clear. Just a great job, Dave.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
Ri
Dave,
ReplyDeleteI read your story several times and I liked it better each time I read it. It’s a lot of fun but there’s also some deep stuff in that quirky little tale.
A planet, with a captain’s chair. serving as a spaceship is great. That it’s made of sludge is very original. The cat’s belief in its own superiority still makes me laugh. I can’t remember if it was a Siamese in the previous version but that’s a nice touch. That breed comes across as the pinnacle of all cat smugness and it wasn’t much of a leap for me to see the cat as being a bit evil.
You’ve also made it very clear that it was drinking the sludge that gave Eddie and the cat the ability to breath in space.
I love the orange button with the smiley face. Its physical description is in such choice opposition to its great power and unpredictability. I also like that the moon becomes less damaged in this version. I still struggle a little with the cat becoming as big as a small city. It Growing to that size seems to make its prey insignificant in importance and size. I wonder if the size of a few city blocks would be enough. But that could just be me.
It agree with the others that you’ve done a great job making it clear that Eddie yearns to be seen. I think that means to be recognized for who he is and accepted as such and perhaps to be valued as he is. Maybe even for others to recognize that he is great in his own unique way. It was very satisfying to see him achieve what he yearned for. I loved the last two lines.
“See you too!” said Goob.
See you, thought Eddie with a smile. It was great to be seen.
Thanks for creating this little gem.
Alan
Dave,
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm jumping in a little late.
_Eddie and Goob_ delights me in the ways everyone has mentioned. Above all, I love this story's playfulness--the sludge planet Goob steers; the way Eddie's voice carries from scene 1, in his backyard, to outer space in scene 2 (magical!); and how you communicate so much of Goob's interiority through the word he almost uses exclusively--"goob."
I think this story delights so much because you have mastery of this age's point of view--you know how Eddie, at this age, in these situations, would feel and act and react. You know your character well.
One thing I feel I would like more of is opposition to Eddie's yearning. I do feel that Eddie wants to be seen and he wants to be seen intensely, but I'm wondering what gets in the way--what makes his quest to be seen uncertain? What keeps Eddie from being seen by those he wants to be seen by?
An opposition source I notice is that although Eddie's mother can see the starstuff within him, it seems that Goob can see something in Eddie or see Eddie in a way that Eddie's mother cannot. After all, Eddie goes on an adventure with Goob, and it may not be possible for Eddie to convey the experience of that adventure to his mother--Goob is reluctant show himself.
This story is magical and thrilling and fun, and it has strong emotional undercurrents. Eddie is the willing hero we root for immediately--the kind of character we feel especially close with. We'll follow him into his every adventure and feel like we're battling with him ( As he was battling Alien, I wanted a joystick myself!).
Wonderful writing as usual, Dave!